


Dating Advice

by SprucePines



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: F/M, Incest, Kissing, Sibling Incest, Twincest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-27
Updated: 2015-09-27
Packaged: 2018-04-23 16:04:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4883122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SprucePines/pseuds/SprucePines
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jeff and the gnomes abduct the twins to ask for dating advice.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dating Advice

"Where are you--oof--where are you taking me?"

Dipper's voice fell on deaf ears as he was dragged through the woods. He was working on some chores around the Mystery Shack when a burlap sack was thrown over his head and he was grabbed from behind. His hands were tied behind his back and he was carried off. After the initial shock wore off, he noticed that there were a lot of hands carrying him. It reminded him of crowd surfing at Woodstick that first summer. That was a memory better left repressed.

After what felt like an eternity of circuitous routes that Dipper assumed was meant to confuse his sense of direction, he felt his captors slowing to a stop. A moment later, he felt himself shift sideways as he was dumped to the ground. What was odd, though, was that he didn't go very far before landing, only about a foot or so. Which would mean that he was kidnapped by...

The bag was pulled away from his head, and he found himself looking into the face of Jeff the Gnome. Around them, the rest of the gnomes formed a large ring.

"Well, well, well, we meet again," Jeff said, his arms crossed in front of him.

"You guys again?" Dipper said as he wormed his way onto his knees. "Seriously, dude? What the heck?"

"That's enough out of you! You've humiliated us on more than one occasion. First, your sister spurned our advances towards her. Then you tricked us into doing your dirty work for you and trying to take down that silver haired boy with the smooth skin."

Dipper sighed. "What do you want, an apology? Just untie me, and I'll apologize as much as you want."

"Oh, no," Jeff said, bringing his face in close to Dipper's. "We don't want your apologies. We know _exactly_ what we want from you."

Dipper gulped. "And what is that?"

"We want..." Suddenly, Jeff's expression changed from anger to distress. "...your help!"

Dipper was taken aback. "Wait, what?"

"We want your help." Jeff clasped his hands together. "Please."

"My help? What do you need my help with?"

"Girls."

Dipper blinked. Out of all possible answers, that wasn't what he was expecting. "Girls?"

"We've been without a queen for so long, we don't know where else to turn. So we got to thinking and we realized we needed advice from an outsider. But the only outsiders we've really dealt with were you and your sister, so here you are. Besides, you owe us."

Dipper looked at Jeff. "Well, I suppose maybe I do owe you. But did you have to kidnap me?"

"We didn't think you'd come willingly."

Dipper considered that for a moment. Yeah, if Jeff and the others had just come up, he'd probably have tried to fight them off without a second thought.

He sighed. "Alright, I'll do what I can to help. Now could you please untie me?"

Satisfied, Jeff stepped behind Dipper and undid his bonds. Dip flexed his fingers and worked his wrists to loosen them back up as he stood. "Okay, so what sort of advice are you after?"

Jeff looked sideways. "Well, general dating advice, to be honest."

"Dating advice? But you were going out with my sister our first summer here. How can you need dating advice?"

"Um, it was actually all her doing. With the graveyard and all that, she kept hoping that we'd turn out to be a vampire."

Dipper couldn't help but chuckle at the memory. Yeah, that was Mabel all over. "Alright, I'm not sure how much help I can be, but I'll give it a try. But I can't do this alone, so we're gonna need to get a female to help."

"Way ahead of ya!" Jeff said.

"Where are you taking me?" came a familiar voice approaching them. "Hey, watch the hands!"

The circle of gnomes cleared a path and there was his sister, Mabel, being carried in as Dipper was, also bound and bagged.

"My sister?" Dipper ask, incredulous.

"Dipper?!" Mabel asked. "Is that you?" She tried to look around, but the bag obstructed her view.

"I'm here, Mabel."

"You would not believe what happened to me," she said as she was gently set on the ground. "I was minding my own business around the Mystery Shack when--BWOMP!--this bag gets put over my head, my hands are tied behind my back, and I'm crowd surfed away!"

"Yeah, the exact same thing happened to me."

"Really? Where are we?" Dipper carefully lifted the burlap from his sister's head, allowing her to see where they were and who they were with. "Oh, man! Not these guys again!"

"It's alright, they just want our help."

"Then why--"

"I'll explain later, but they want dating advice."

"Dating advice? From you?" Mabel snorted.

Dipper glared at her. "Oh, ha ha. Look, we do kind of owe it to them for the whole thing with the leaf blower and with Gideon."

"Oh, do we have to?"

"Come on, Mabel. It's not like we can't take them if they try anything funny." He turned to look at Jeff. "Right?"

Jeff held his hands up. "We swear, all we want is your help."

Mabel sighed. "Alright. So what do you need us to do, Jeff?"

"Just show us how to talk to women and what to do when we go on a date."

The twins looked at each other, each mentally asking the other if they minded this. Mabel shrugged, indicating that they might as well go for it.

"Okay," Dipper said, "let's start with starting up a conversation. First impressions are very important, so Jeff, why don't you go up to Mabel and try to start a conversation with her?"

Jeff cautiously stepped toward Mabel, wary lest she be carrying a leaf blower inside her sweater. He cleared his throat and took a deep breath. "Say, do you know what they say about a gnome with a big hat?"

Mabel looked at him as if he'd stepped in dog doo. Behind her, Dipper facepalmed.

"Ugh, no, Jeff," Dipper said, stepping forward. "That is no way to start a conversation if you're serious about finding a queen."

"Yeah," Mabel agreed, "talk about major creepazoid."

"See? I knew we were doing things wrong. So how should we do it?"

"Sometimes, just small talk is enough," Mabel said. "If you would demonstrate, Sir Dippinsauce?"

"Of course." He adjusted his posture slightly. "Hello there."

"Hello," Mabel replied.

"Do you come here often?"

"Only when I'm being abducted by a bunch of horny gnomes."

They both laughed at her joke for a moment. "But seriously," Dipper said, "do you--?"

"No, only once or twice."

"I don't suppose I could buy you something?"

Mabel regarded her brother before grinning. "Alright, I'll take a Mabel Juice with extra dinosaurs."

"You make it look so easy!" Jeff said.

"Well, we already know each other," Dipper said, "so it's easy for us to play along. But just keep it simple. Don't go 'below the belt' right away. That's a huge turn off."

Jeff pulled a pad from his beard and jotted down a note. "Practice small talk. Got it. Okay, so let's say we manage to get a date. What do we do then?"

"Well, you just spend time with them, get to know what they like or don't like," Mabel said. "Take walks, go for dinner, see a movie, or just sit and watch the sunset."

"Really, just sitting with them?"

"Sure," Dipper said. "It's not like there can't be other things going on at the same time." Dipper glanced behind him and saw a log laid out about a foot away. He took Mabel by the shoulders and guided her to it and they sat side by side. "So let's say you're at the movies with your date. You're watching what's on the screen, but you're also sneaking looks at her." He demonstrates, angling his face ever so slightly and shifting his eyes to his left.

"And you may not notice it, but she's stealing glances at you, too," Mabel added with a smirk, her eyes sliding to the right to look at her brother.

"You're both sizing each other up. Now if you're feeling a bit bold, you might try putting your arm around her."

Jeff started writing down another note on his pad before looking back at Dipper expectantly.

"Depending on how you and your date are feeling about each other, you can try a few different ways. The one everyone tends to know is the old 'fake yawn' technique." Dipper demonstrated, making an elaborate show of reaching his hands as high as they could go while making the fakest yawn imaginable before draping one of his arms on Mabel's shoulder.

"Or," he continued, pulling his arm away from his sister, "if you think you two are at a comfortable place, you can simply go for it without the theatrics." He looked at his sister, slowly bringing his arm around her shoulder. "If she says or does anything that might indicate she's not down with it, back off right away. Don't worry about any sort of awkward cover up, just back it up."

"If, on the other hand," Mabel chimed in, "she _is_ down for the whole arm thing, she might even do this." She leaned over into Dipper's chest, resting her head on his shoulder. Her hair landed just underneath his nose, giving him a full whiff of her shampoo. It was odd; he'd smelled her shampoo before, but for some reason now the scent was almost intoxicating. A wealth of pleasant memories came flooding to his mind: Halloweens, family vacations, trips to Gravity Falls, school dances, all with Mabel there. Without thinking, his thumb reached up and brushed down her shoulder.

"Wow," Jeff said as he scribbled, bringing Dipper out of his daze. "That's some great stuff. Okay, so now the date's over and we're saying our goodbyes. What's the best way to do that?"

Dipper stood and helped Mabel to her feet. "Well," he said, "that sort of depends on how you got to your date in the first place. Traditionally, the one doing the asking out provides transportation, so then they would be responsible for taking their date home. Depending on how well it went, you might just take them as far as their yard or even all the way to the front door."

He turned to face Mabel. "I had a great time tonight. I'm glad I got to spend it with you."

"Me, too. Thank you for buying dinner."

"It was my pleasure. I hope we can do this again sometime."

"Oh, I'm sure we will."

A silence hung over the scene for a long moment. Finally, Dipper simply nodded his head and began to back away. Mabel, however, held fast onto his hand, stopping him short.

"What, don't I get a goodnight kiss?" she asked.

Dipper gulped. He hadn't expected this. But then again, they were acting this out for Jeff's benefit. He supposed he could go ahead with this. He stepped forward and gave Mabel a peck on the cheek. She looked at him as if he'd just told her what a gnome wearing a big hat meant. Shaking her head, she leaned forward herself and locked her lips onto his.

Dipper's mind froze. He'd never admitted it to anyone, least of all Mabel, but the handful of dates he'd had never ended with a kiss. This was, in fact, his first. Slowly, his mind woke back up and he saw that the kiss had already ended and he had stood there like a statue. He looked at Mabel as if to say, _did we really just do that?_

The look she gave him said that not only that, but she seemed willing to do it again.

Nervously, he looked around at the gathering of gnomes who had been watching the entire episode unfold with rapt attention.

"Don't sweat it, kid," Jeff said. "We're a monogendered collective of gnomes. We puke rainbows and you don't want to know what we poop. Let's just say we're very popular with leprechauns. We all need a little release sometimes. Seeing a brother and sister kissing is far from the weirdest thing we've seen."


End file.
